Friday, October 21, 2011

The Good, the Not So Good, and a Moment of Forgetting

Seth Twitchell
Psychology 101-01
21 October 2011
Memory Paper

The Good, the Not So Good, and a Moment of Forgetting

Here’s a good story for you. This is one of the happiest memories of my life. I was on my mission in an area called Ralma and had been there for about four months. We hadn’t had much success in this area up till this point. My companions and I had been working very hard during all this time, but the people we were finding were just not progressing as well or as fast as we would have liked. Well, they would’ve been lining up at the door to the chapel to get baptized and then marking down the days to be able to enter the temple if we had had our wish, but you know what I mean. Anyway, one day, the bishop comes and tells us that another bishop friend of his on the other side of town wanted us to find a certain young couple and teach them. This was cool because Bishop Aybara usually didn’t even give us the time of day. 
So we went and found this family, and they let us in. They told us that the bishop friend of theirs was actually her uncle if I remember correctly. So we began to teach them and find out that they were legally married, a rarity in the Dominican Republic. They basically already lived all the commandments, and easily accepted the concept of the restoration into their hearts. I know, they were golden, right? In fact, within three weeks they were looking up old conference talks on their own, had decided they loved Pres. Hinckley (who had passed away a year and a half previous to all this), and were holding family home evening. The one problem is that when we talked about baptism they said that they needed more time. So at one point we decided to invite our mission president and his wife to come sit in on a lesson with us.
So the day came when President and Sister Antivilo were coming with us to teach them. We had decided on a lesson about faith and the courage to do what was right. We got to the house and began to teach the lesson when the husband stopped us and looked at President Antivilo and said, “Look we know this all true, but we just can’t pay tithing right now. We’ve made a down payment and are just waiting for it to be completed. In a year, when we are more financially stable, we’ll be able to pay tithing and then be baptized.” He went on to explain that they hadn’t shared this with us previously because we were young and hadn’t had to deal with problems like this in our lives yet. He figured that President had lived through these things before though. President had my companion and I share about the blessings of tithing, his wife taught wonderfully about it, and then he shared that he had a masters in accounting was a CPA and had been a director of temporal affairs for the church for many years. “I can tell you definitively, that tithing is not an economic principle. In fact it has very little to do with the actual money. It is is a principle of faith. One that if you obey, the Lord will open up the heavens and pour blessings upon you,” he explained. The Holy Spirit was so strong in that room, I wouldn’t have been surprised at all to see angelic manifestations. The young couple agreed to pay their tithing from that point on.
Within a few short weeks, Angel and Yasmelin were baptized, which is another great story that I wish I had the room to share here. They immediately became strong members of the church and took another investigator family under their wing and helped them prepare for baptism too. A year later, they were sealed in the temple with their infant son. Every time I see the temple, hear about somebody getting baptized or read about tithing, I can’t help but to think about them. 
Now a not so good memory. To start off I should say that when I was nineteen, I nearly died in a car accident. That isn’t the story, but it’s important to know about it. Three months later, when I was finally becoming physically able to be active again, my brothers and I went camping. Just as we were about to leave cell reception, my mother called and told me that a lifelong friend of mine, Beau, had been drinking and driving and died in a car accident. The whole camping trip is a blurred  memory of tears, father’s blessings and mosquito bites. I questioned God why my friend, who obviously needed more time to repent and return to the church had been taken, when I, who was for the most part living righteously had been spared in a car accident where I should have died. I think the hardest part was when at one point when his mother, in her despair had told me that if I had been a better friend, he would have lived. For months I anguished over my doubts and sorrows of the loss of my friend. Eventually, though, through the counseling of my father, grandfather, bishop, and a certain cousin, I was able to repent of my lack of trust in the atonement and regain peace in my heart. I know it’s not my fault and that the Lord needed Beau back to help him and needed me here for other purposes. To this day I still feel sad thinking of him though. In fact, I’m tearing up at the thought of him, and occasionally when I hear songs from bands that Beau had introduced to me or on his birthday or the day he died, I will feel a pang of loss. 
Finally, a moment of forgetting. In high school, I sat right next to this one guy in spanish class. I know for a fact that I had heard his name, but for whatever reason, I couldn’t remember it. So whenever he would say, “Hi, Seth!” I would respond with, “Hey buddy! How’s it going?” Everyday for three years we sat next to each, first in spanish one and two, and then in precalculus and it wasn’t until the third quarter of our junior year that I finally asked a mutual friend what his name was. It was James, by the way. But by then I was so used to just calling him buddy or pal or dude that I just kept on doing just that. Now that I think of it, I don’t even know if ever knew that I didn’t know his name. Maybe I’ll tell him at our high school reunion in a few years.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Who I am

Seth Twitchell
Who I am
Psychology 101
14 September 2011
Unfortunately I must admit that when presented with the question of who I am I often respond with answers that only reflect certain aspects of me. I’m American, I’m a student, I’m a reader, an avid camper, a music lover, a goofy kid, a guest service agent at a hotel. These are not who I am. These are what I do, what I like, or even ways to describe my personality in part. The truth is not so simple. I’m still figuring it out to be honest.  Oh, I know more or less who I am, but every time I think I have a good handle on knowing myself really well, I surprise myself and I realize that there is still so much of myself left to discover. And so I take what I do know and I move forward building more on with each passing day.
This isn’t to say that I can’t give a fairly accurate description of what I am at this moment as far as I understand it.  I’ve been told that under normal circumstances I have a sanguine temperament,  but when left to my own devices I tend towards the traits of the phlegmatic and when placed into a leadership position, (something that until recently in my life I would never have sought out) I become quite choleric. The color typing says I’m a dominant type white with even levels of yellow and blue undertones and the energy profiling system developed by Carol Tuttle tells me that I’m a type four with a strong type one secondary energy type. I could go into details about what that means but to be honest I’m skeptical of the idea of being defined by other people or even being able to categorize myself. The truth is that when put into a leadership position, I take command and become a strong leader. When with a friend in need I become a comforter; when at play I’m loud and silly, witty and goofy. I am a multifaceted person. I defy any person to try to define me and I will undoubtedly show them that I don’t fit into their little pattern. That is who I am. 
So my position still stands; I don’t yet completely know who I am. But I know enough. I know that I am a son of God and therefore have divine potential. A God in larval form as it were. I know that I am the son of Ward and Susan Twitchell, two loving parents. I know that I love myself. I know that I am a seeker of truth. I know that I’m willing to stand up and fight for what I believe and yet I’m willing to concede to being wrong if shown the ere of my ways. I am generally happy, but there are days when I fear and am sad. 
I know also whom I wish to be but am not yet. I will be a father, a husband, and pillar of strength in my family. I know that God has directed me to eventually go on to the field of psychology to so that I can help His children understand themselves and live more wholly, although I must confess I know very little about what it is He wants me to become. I know I would also like to be a figure of some renown in the world of public speaking or maybe  a leader in the political theatre. I hope that some day I will be a man who is remembered by others as being wholesome, wise and strong. And so while these are not currently who I am, the fact that I hope to become these does shape the person that I am at this moment. I guess that saying these things would make me be a hopeful and ambitious person. 
Looking at myself I see now a little more clearly and see that I am what I am and that is good enough. I am smart. I am funny. I am strong in some ways and weak in others. I am and will be eternal in the courts of my father. I am a jokester at times and a sober man at others. I can be charismatic with some people and shy with others. I am Seth Adam Twitchell and there is no better definition of me.

Friday, August 5, 2011

I'm way too tired to be awake right now.

Look at who I am,
Consider the scars I have.
Know that I move on.
I do not regret
The decisions I have made.
Love I've held and lost.
God gives me the will
To do the things that are hard
So that I'll have peace
I'll always recall
The heart is the core of life.
Think back on it now.
Peace is all I have
Hard things are all I can do
To be what God wills.
Love lost what I held.
Making the choice has given me
Strength against regret.
It moves me to know.
Having scars makes me concede,
I am what you see.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

The Man I Want to Become.

I wonder sometimes if the idea of being an honorable man, a man who stands for he believes in and is the pillar of his family, has past into category of being quaint and old fashoined. Whatever happened to men that honor God, treat women with respect, who would die to protect others, and who are loving yet firm fathers?
Fortunately, I've had the privilege of being surrounded by men of this caliber my entire life. By watching them, I've learned what I should be. From my earliest memories, I've seen my father, grandfathers, and uncles do the things that many men scoff at doing.

I've seen my father work so hard to provide for us, and come home to help mom with chores and play with us kids even though he was tired. This didn't happen as often as I imagine that he would have liked  because he often had to work two jobs, but I always knew he loved us. And now in the past few years I've watched my older brother Clin become a great example of a loving yet firm father. He laughs and plays with his daughters but also is teaching them to be be obedient and faithful children. Then of course is my grandpa, I know for a fact that in the nearly 60 years that he and Grandma have been married, he's not once raised his voice to her and that he still does the dishes side by side with her. I know that they counsel together in all the things they do as equals and that he is still falling in love her. My hope is that I can become worthy of standing with such men someday as a husband and father.

Now there are many other men that have been examples to me in this regard, I previously mentioned my uncles, but I should point out others too who have shown me what I should become. My brother in law Jason adores my sister and is a wonderful father. My mission president taught me so much and showed me that I could be a capable leader if I depend on the Lord. And to all you Neals (especially Bucky, Robert, and Dave): I love you as if you were my own family; please know that you have inspired me to be a better man.

If you translate directly from spanish, the apostle Paul said to the people of Corinth, "Be ye imitators of me, even as I am of Christ." And Christ himself asked the Nephites, "What manner of men ought ye to be? Even as I am." In this mortal life  I never have had the privilege of being in the company of Paul, or sitting and learning at the feet of the Master, but I when I imagine what they were like, it's the traits of those men who have taught me. Or rather I feel that these are men who have learned and are still learning to be the men that their God would have them be.

A man should be strong, and yet unashamed of weeping at the appropriate moment. He should be willing defend what he believes to his very last breath but still respect the opinions of others. He should be bold and lead others around him to righteous places, and still be humble enough to follow the counsel of others. He should be strong in his opinions, but willing to admit his faults and change to correct them. He should be unshakeable in his faith and obedience to God and should love his family with his whole being.

I wonder if there were more men who were like this, in what state would we find the world today?

And so this is my call, my pleading. On this day that we have set apart to recognize fathers and father figures, I stand as a man who is still far from becoming what he wants to be and implore others to become the manner of men that we ought to be. Let us become husbands, fathers, sons and brothers who are the strength and foundation of society and will be able to stand before our God unashamed of what we are.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Let's Rock!

Before I say anything else, let me just say that Jack Black is awesome. I just finished watching School of Rock and I think that I want to be in a rock and roll band so I can melt some faces... But you know, in a good way. Now with that said, I'll move on to the true topic.

I like to describe myself as having an indomitable spirit. I really think that I am an awesome person. Some may even say a little narcissistic, but I'll just call it a good strong self-esteem. I'm not going to let anything that anybody else does or says bring me down. It's just who I am. I believe that I, being who I am, am worth something. And while I previously mentioned being narcissistic, that isn't the point. It's not just me. All people are capable of being worth something. And it's not anything that anybody else can measure. How much money you have, what you're studying to become, or what career you are in, or where you live that matters. We can all rock and be awesome and be the kind of people that other people admire.

A friend of mine once told me thatsomething she learned. She told me that it doesn't matter what you do, you could sweep floors for a living. What matters is that no matter what it is you do that thing to the very best of your ability. In fact, she said that if you sweep floors, you should sweep floors so well that angels take note and say, "There is a man who labors well and is valued above all."  And to my dear friend, if perchance you read this, sorry I slaughtered your quote. But the vibe is still there.

The point is that thing that makes a person great isn't what they do, but the manner in which they do it. Now how exactly this is accomplished, I'm not sure. I'm still working on becoming awesome, although I am quite close.I think that it has to do with working as hard as you possibly can at whatever it is that you are attempting. And not only that, but you have to enjoy it. I know that I will never rock at sales. My heart just isn't in it. I feel that I'm amiable person, that I'm decent at communicating and pretty good at getting people to do what I would like them to do. But I don't like doing sales, so I'm not going to excell in that. However, I do like helping people, so then I know that when I get into my chosen career path someday, it will be something that I will be able to strive at.

And so I say, don't worry about what other people think. Do what you love and be the best at it. Work at it so hard that it makes you come home exhausted and ready to sleep. It's what I did on my mission, it's what I try to do now. Love what you are doing and love the people around you that are building you up. Rock at teaching, kick butt at checking in guests or driving a taxi. Learn to express yourself in whatever you do as if it were an art. Even if you don't make a dime, peope will see that and want to be around you.

Now with this, there is a warning. Don't overdue it. There must be balance in all things. If you the "live-to work" type, make sure that you live to live to and go do something not work related from time to time. Wrestle your dog, go swimming, or cuddle on the couch with someone you love. Or if you're more like me; more of the "work-to-live" type; make sure that be amazing at who you are includes working hard and being professional at work.

In the end it all just boils down to loving what you do and who you are in every moment.

So remember to work and laugh and joke and never give up.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Dreams

The dreams of man are an intriguing thing. They can be a place of refuge from the stress and cares of the world. They are a veritable trove of creation, desires, happiness, and love and yet can be a den of fears, worries, and can even disrupt our peace in our waking lives. 
I've experienced all these in my own dreams.
I often dream of what may be, or at least what I wish will come to be. 
I'm just a simple man though, I don't dream of wealth or power. In fact, of late I've dreamt most about things like fatherhood, owning my own home, and of course, riding a velociraptor around the city while hunting down killer polar-bears with laser-shooting eyes. (That one was very strange... I think maybe I ate too many frozen burritos before going to sleep) 
The point is, I wonder if the desires I have in my waking life cause me to dream these things or if the dreams I have, have led me to have the desires of my waking life. 
The more I think about it, the less I'm sure of either one being exclusively right. 
And so I dream, and dream I must. For without it, the stars would not shine to me, and my heart would fail.  It's when I sleep that the love in my heart shows me what path I should take. The only time the creative part of my souls is as active is when I go to the temple. And that usually only applies when I go with specific questions in mind that I have previously studied out. Often my dreams feel like answers unbidden. They come to me and show me what I should be seeking, what I didn't even know I could have. 
I think that God knew that I would not always know which questions to ask and so from time to time He gives me a nudge in the right direction. Often using my dreams to cause me to wonder, and speculate, and eventually come to Him with the decisions I've made and more questions. 

Anyway, that's all I really have to say about that. Other than I think that listening to Mozart makes me overly-philosophical to a point of unintelligible incoherence. Sorry if I made no sense this time. I'll write a more normal blog next time... maybe.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

The Observations of a near-sighted man.

     Life is an interesting thing. The path that it leads us on has so many twists and turns that it is impossible to easily see where you are going and often it is difficult to see how you've arrived at the current location. This isn't to say that I don't enjoy said path or that I would have it any other way.
     I've actually been meaning to write this for a while but things have been so hectic that I haven't had the chance until now. And the only reason I'm writing right now is because I can't sleep despite the fact that I'm exhausted. Bare with me if I make no sense.
Life for me has recently given me a pretty good spin. I think that maybe I'm still a little dizzy from the things that have happened. At least I'm pretty quick on the uptake and I think I'm headed forward again. 
     See there's a trick to it all you know. They call it rolling with the punches, but I don't know if that's what I would call it. It's more like laughing at the black eye, and learning  how to block that particular punch for the future, and then laughing even harder when the same thing happens again. And it will happen again. haha. However, eventually we do get the hang of things. 
     In my own life, I've seen this several times recently, and in several aspects of my life. Several of the girls that I've taken on more than a couple of dates have rejected me specifically so they can focus on dating other guys. I can think of 3 in the last 8 months or so. I still consider myself a friend to all of them, and I don't begrudge them in the least. 

     I will never fault anybody for following their feelings. In fact I'll encourage them to do so even if it sucks for me. 

     At the same time I don't regret my time spent with them. If you take a chance and put yourself out there, there is nothing to regret. Regardless of the outcome, you take take something from it and use it to grow and become a better person (learning how to block the punches). 
     Now you would think that I would be wary of moving forward. Or at least it would stand to reason that the wise thing to do would be to stop poking the thing that keeps zapping me. However, I have no plans of retreating or even slowing down in my life. Why would I want to? 
     You may not agree, but I feel that emotionally trying times (like being unemployed for 3 months) or even emotionally painful moments (like the afore mentioned circumstance concerning my dating life) are really a good thing. They've taught me things about myself that I never knew before.  
     The point is that some days just throw tons of life experiences at you and these Life Experience Days show should be remembered as markers on the trail to show me where I decided to take a turn and let the twists in the path take me to places I've not yet been. I decided long ago not to fight against it. You might as well try to push your way through a cliff face. 
     Now reading through what I've written up to this point it seems like I feel that all life experiences are unpleasant. This is absolutely untrue. Many are completely delightful. These still can cause life to take you in a different direction than originally planned.  These moments should be especially be noted and remembered because they are often overlooked and eventually forgotten altogether. Sometimes they are harder to define as well, like the moment when you laugh so hard with a friend it makes you cry, or blowing bubbles in a park. There are important things to be learned there if you look carefully.
     Where am I going with all this? I don't know. That's the point. I have a vague idea of what I want but am willing to let the dream grow and develop until it becomes a better reality than I could have imagined. And I say better meaning that it will have will show the bumps and scrapes that I've gotten and sketchy situations I been in to get there. Those things make good things that much sweeter.

     Anyway, It's nearly 2:00am and I'm finally starting to feel tired. 
To any of you who may be reading this, I hope you've enjoyed my little insights and opinions. Remember to laugh when life give you a moment to breath, and smile when it takes your breath away.



Tuesday, April 5, 2011

The Strength Within



Every person on earth has the strength and potential to succeed regardless the circumstances of their life. We know this to be true because we are all children of a loving Heavenly Father. Knowing that we would all have different backgrounds and environments, he provided us with the intrinsic ability to be as he would have us be despite all other things. However we know that no people are completely alike, that their inner natures are different. For this reason we see people in the same environments reacting differently under similar circumstances. Why is that? Why is it that when two men come from the basically the same situation one will go on to succeed and triumph over his trials and the other will fail? 
Life is not easy for anybody on this planet. Everybody has issues that they face and stumbling blocks in their lives, big and small. To some it is the support and upbringing that they receive that gives them the wherewithal to pass through these well, but to others they must look within to find the means to endure. A prime example of this is that of a man named Christopher Gardner. As his story is related in The Pursuit of Happyness, he faced incredible trials. Unable to make sufficient means to provide for his family through medical supply sales, his wife leaves him and his young son. He loses his home and at one point he and his son stay in a public bathroom as their only shelter. Yet inexplicably, he rose up to become an extremely successful stockbroker. (Black, 2007). Where did this strength come from? By all means, he should have failed miserably. The best thing I could think of is love. His love for his son, provided strength that he couldn’t have found anywhere else. That basic human trait, love, that was inside him overruled doubt, despair, and all external forces. Nobody can give you that. Man’s intelligence and strength of character may be in part affected by our surroundings, but in the end it comes from the individual and nowhere else.
Another perfect example of internal moral fortitude comes from a surprising source. Pop culture looks at Mary Shelley’s monster from Frankenstein as just that, a mindless, murderous, monster. The truth is that the real monster in the story was Dr. Frankenstein. Despite the rejection of the one who created him (Shelley, ) despite being attacked by villagers (Shelley, ), the monster initially showed only the traits of a man of honor(). He acted with heroic valor to save a girl(). He spoke of love. The violent and vengeful tendencies came only after extreme mistreatment, and yet he still desired only a measure of peace and happiness in his life(). The truth of all this is that you it doesn’t matter how the world looks at you. Monster or no, we all have the ability to act with love, mercy, and courage.
Now, I’m not going to sit here and say that all people always have such moral fiber fundamentally. We know that no two people are completely equal. There is always somebody stronger, just as we are stronger in certain ways than others. And so there is a dichotomy in the internal man. Along side the noble and enlightening characteristics, there are base, weak, and vile attributes. Going back to Shelley’s Frankenstein, we see this. The doctor had every opportunity to love, to heal and to provide catharsis for his creation, for his son. And yet, something within him caused him to be repulsed. He feared the consequences of his actions, and yet instead of trying to find positive ways to correct his mistakes, he became bitter at the world. I’m sure his parents didn’t raise him to be so malicious, spiteful, and deceitful. And you know the same could be said of many others in the world. Nobody is raised to be wicked, murderous or genocidal. Now I’m not saying that Hitler was just “born that way,” but you can’t blame every evil person’s acts on the way they were raised. At some point, responsibility lies solely with that individual. This just goes to show that the nature of man is not the same as genetic predisposition although in many cases it does play a part. The force we call the nature of man is simply who the person is and the tendencies they have without regard to their upbringing, culture and environment. 
Now considering genetic predisposition, it needs to be said that in many ways this is only a small portion of the current consideration. For instance, in my family, every man that has ever drunk alcohol has had to battle with alcoholism. That doesn’t mean that every one of those people became an alcoholic. I’m not, my older brother isn’t, and though it took him many years of his life, my grandfather was able to defeat that particular personal demon. That’s the point, the nature of man is much more complicated than straight-forward questions of genetics. There are many different factors when considering a the natural persona. Granted in this particular example, the external, or nurturing forces played a huge part in creating the strength to overcome such temptations, but again the final decision to have that beer or not doesn’t come ultimately from what my parents taught me in my youth. If that were the case I would be passed out in a ditch somewhere. Strength cannot be borrowed from others; it comes from somewhere deep in our souls.
Maybe that’s why God provided us with both external and internal sources of strength. The Book of Mormon teaches us that He “shall prepare a way for [us] that [we] may accomplish the thing which he commandeth [us].” (1 Nephi 3:7) It doesn’t say how He would do it. And soto protect us from our more base desires he provides what we would call the positive nurturing forces and to protect us from the world around us He created us with divine potential and character built right in. 
There are other things to factor in when considering the implications of the natural force or persona. What about mental illness? Does it come from the circumstantial environment around  oneself or is it part of who that person is right from birth? Also what about overcoming said mental illnesses? Can depression be overcome with personal determination and intrinsic strength from another part of the mind. I believe so. In Nature vs Nurture: Two Brothers with schizophrenia, it clearly states that genetics can be the cause mental illness such as schizophrenia(Keltner, 89). In this case the genetic predisposition of a person is a main contributing factor to the nature of such a person. However, as previously stated, it is not the only one. This complexity  gives us the ability to wage battle on ourselves. This can often be self destructive as we allow the depression, psychosis, anger, or bitterness to gain the upper-hand. Our intimate relationship with God gives us the ability overcome bitterness, sorrow, and anger on our own, and in some cases the ability to overcome depression, and other illness. Again, we should take advantage of outside sources of strength such as counseling and family support, but this doesn’t excuse us from fighting our own fights and growing on our own.
The nature of man is complex. It rages like a storm tearing down all things around us. It becomes a shield and a protection in times of tribulation. It is what you see when you stare into the eyes of a person who pushes forward against all odds and of him of gives up all hope despite the love and support of those around him. 
References
Black, Todd; Blumenthal, Jason; Lassiter, James; Smith, Will; Tisch, Steve (Producers) & Muccino, Gabriele (Director). (2007). The Pursuit of Happyness. [Motion Picture]. United States: Columbia Pictures.

Keltner, Norman L., James, Christopher A., Darling, Rani J., Findley, Lisa S., Oliver, Kelli. (2001) Nature vs. Nurture: Two brothers with schizophrenia. Perspectives in Psychiatric Care, Vol. 37 Issue 3, 89-84.

Shelley, M. (1818). Frankenstein. Austin: Holt, Rinehart and Winston Harcourt Brace & Company.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Fishbowl

Looking out from this fishbowl,
Everything looks bigger; better than mine that is.
What do I have? Some pebbles, a little ceramic castle.
It's nothing, or might as well be!
They don't seem to compare,
To what they have out there.
But there's a wall that I can't even see,
That won't let me get to what I want.
But I can swim to the top;
I can jump out,
And make it to the outside world.
So I shoot for my goal and reach for the sky.
Success! I'm no longer a captive!
But wait! I can't breathe!
I don't understand; this isn't what I saw that they have.
But I can't go back now.
And now, I don't even remember why I wanted this in the first place.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Simple Things like Love

        Growing up my father would come home from working a 12 hour shift. Tired from a long day’s work, sometimes he would have to leave for a second job a few minutes later. Despite the stress of work, church callings and life in general, I remember specifically that he would usually come home with a smile. Many times he would have his hands behind his back and as walked in through the door, he would kiss my mother and then he would hand her a bouquet of flowers.
“What are these for?” Mom would ask with a smile, and without fail the reply would be, “Just because.” followed by a sheepish grin.
All my life I thought that “just-because-flowers,” regular date nights (even after 25 plus years of marriage), and holding hands as if for the first time were what all children watched their parents do. I never really understood just how blessed I was to have parents that truly love each other; that respected each other. 
What I’ve seen is that anybody can have that type of relationship. It’s weird how in just a couple of hours at my bishop’s home could show that true joy in a lasting relationship is attainable by anybody who is willing to put in the effort. 
Bishop and  Sister Miller, like my parents, are obviously still in love with each other. But more than that, they respect each other and work as a single unit. Like everybody else, they’ve had they’re ups and downs, but are still heading down that road together hand in hand, both literally and metaphorically.  
The thing is that once I realized that I needed this learning experience, they were the only logical choice. I needed an outside perspective, somebody different from my parents or grandparents, but it couldn’t be a couple that didn’t have the spiritual perspective that I had. I needed it to be applicable to my own life. They share the same values and beliefs that I have and so I could relate to the lessons taught. I was hoping to find something new and unique but still familiar enough that it had application in my own life.
When I first walked into there home, it was a little awkward. I had barely even spoken with my bishop or his wife before except to listen to the lessons they taught in church. I quickly realized however, that they were normal people. Within a few moments we were laughing and talking as if we had been friends for years. 
At one point I asked Sis. Miller, as a bit of a joke if Bishop got the door for her and if there were other little things that he did for her she looked me with a sparkle in her eye told me,
“Always. [He] always held my hand and even now we still do. We always date, even now, every week. Which is huge when your married. A lot of people think, ‘Well you date and then you get married and that’s just it but the most important is once you get married that’s just the beginning.’ We know each other better now then we ever did when we were dating. And the only way that you can really do that and not grow apart as partners is to spend quality time together. You can do that when your house is crazy but you have to spend one on one alone time together, every week. Whether you go on a walk, go get ice cream or just time to really learn who your partner is. ”
I’ll be honest, I thought I was half way cracking a joke.  I didn’t really understand how important little things are. Don’t get me wrong, my mother taught me well. I get the door, I always pay for dinner, and I always say thank you, but I didn’t realize that something like getting ice cream could be what holds a relationship together. How could it be so simple? It didn’t really makes sense at first. Life is complex and throws complex problems at you, but I guess the first step is to truly love the person who’s going to be with you for all of it. And to do that you have to do it hand in hand. 
We’re told our entire lives that its by small and simple things that great things are accomplished. If you look at society as a whole a healthy lasting relationship is a huge thing. Truth be told, if people just went out for ice cream, held hands and talked more within their families, the world we live in would be completely different. Think of things that sadly are common-place in our society. Things like divorce, abuse, and general loss of trust in the family are all huge issues that tearing apart society.  The idea of going on walks together as a way to fix these problem seems ridiculous, or at least to me they did. Stop to think about it though. What did our parents and grandparents know that we seem to be forgetting? 
It was interesting to see how they worked together. Just in our brief moments together in the cozy den of their home, I could see how different they really were. It wasn’t fractured, divisive or disjointed, it was balance, a harmony in the song of their life. They worked together like a counterpoint melodies in a symphony, each one providing support and adding to the positive traits in the other.
“We’re actually a good mix because Michelle’s like ‘Let’s go. Ok let’s get it done. Let’s decide.’ I’m more like, ‘No, relax. we got to take time to figure this out.’ Neither’s wrong.” Bishop explained to me when asked about decision making, “she helps me be more motivated and I calm her down so we don’t jump to a decision. We kind of help each other.”  I sat in wonder for a minute as Sister Miller explained the actual process of making a decision, about praying and fasting together and openly discussing ideas. They openly admitted their own weaknesses and were all the more grateful for the strengths the other provided.
Why is it, I thought, that more people don’t get this? Truth was never meant to be complex. Look at the world and you’ll see that we as a whole are missing the mark. I think it’s because we don’t want to accept the fact that sometimes we just have to swallow our pride and admit to ourselves that we have weaknesses. I won’t lie, this is hard for me. I don’t know if I can be as humble as my bishop was in admitting that that there are some times when my way of doing things is not always right. I see now something that has been in front of me my whole life.  I am the type of person that will defend my opinions and decisions relentlessly. The way I reach conclusions is the best, or so I thought. In my bishop and his wife I realized that this, while it can be a strength, it can also be a weakness. Flexibility and the ability to listen to others and even accept their viewpoints is strength. My way is not always the best. Sometimes decisiveness and bold action is called for and sometimes careful consideration is what’s needed. What is always needed though is working in unison, talking openly and respecting the way others make decisions. 
When talking about one the first big decisions they made together, they told me of preparing to get married and of how they stood firm together.
“When we were ready to get married we went to the stake president. I thought he would give us reflection but he gave us three things: pray, scriptures, and temple. If [we] did these three things [we] wouldn’t struggle as much,”  Sister Miller explained, “Can it really be this simple? It really is that simple. I found it really interesting [that] as we’ve gone along and watched friends with struggles, they were the ones that weren’t doing those three things. You can see the pattern. It’s obedience to those things. When you grow up you think it’s complicated but it’s really not.”
I’d been looking for something huge and different, some grand truth about having a successful relationship. The things I’d seen my parents do, and some of the things that they did without me knowing at the time happened here in a home 450 miles away. It really was the simple things that kept them moving forward. The simple things like reading the scriptures will keep you from becoming “a jerk husband” or wife as Bishop put it. I don’t know why these things never really clicked in mind until that moment. The strange thing is that while I always knew these things my entire life, I didn’t fully comprehend them. I’m still not sure if I completely do. Its not one specific instance, its a lifetime worth of them that teaches the fullness of the truth we seek. 
“There is no ah-ha moment,” He told me,  “You know everything. You just have to do it. Very simple... As you practice you get better at it. Then they will fill your heart and your life and there will be no room for evil. Give no space to evil as you do all these things, then you become better and better at it. You become a better father, husband. [You are] not going to abuse [your] family if [you are] applying these things. It’s quite remarkable and simply lay out if we step up and do all of that. Will you be perfect? No!” 
It all made so much sense to me and yet still felt like revelation. I didn’t feel like I was hearing anything new but still felt important. It was just like he told me, none of this was ground breaking new truth. However, hearing it again in a different place and a different part of my life made it really strike me as profound. I looked over into the hallway and saw a large painting of the Savior on the wall. I could hear kids playing in the other room. This felt like home. It felt like home down right down to the silly little dog asleep in Sister Miler’s lap. I could’ve been sitting there with my parents talking about them and asking for advice. I very much felt like I could’ve been in a fireside too. And yet at the same time I could feel myself growing. I could feel that the way I would see relationships, the way I would treat others would never be the same. I guess it just hit me again that truth is truth wherever you go. Love your wife. Love your husband. Lead, and love your children through example. Follow the Savior in the basics. This is how we learn to treat others and where happiness and success in all aspects of life come from. 
In church, Bishop is always telling us that the Book of Mormon is and should be the guiding compass and map for all aspects of our lives, and as I was sitting there in their home. A scripture came to my mind that seemed to compliment everything I’d heard. “I will give unto the children of men line upon line, precept upon precept, here a little and there a little; and blessed are those who hearken unto my precepts,” The Lord said to Nephi regarding the acceptance of the gospel. For the first time in my life I felt that I could physically happening to me. And then I began to think of the doctrine of eternal love. Not all things are meant to be given at once, and part of the joy of life is experiencing it one moment at a time while learning and growing with those we love. We learn more of each other one day at a time.  You can’t just get married and say, “We’re sealed in the temple, everything is going to be perfect from here on out!” 
“We’re basically the same people we were but not really because we’ve grown up. We’ve matured more, and we’ve gone through life experiences. You know what I mean? And as you do that, you can either grow closer together as a couple or you can grow further apart.” Sister Miller explained to me. 
This thought seemed to echo what was taught to Nephi millennia ago. You are the same person, but in order to make it work, you have to grow together, you have to pass through life’s trials one by one together. Each one of these little things will create a bond that will define you and helps you have something closer to the celestial relationships we all seek after. 
“You either go forward, or you go backward,” Bishop said, “Things never stay the same.” You learn more about each other as time goes one until you can know what your spouse is going to say, or feel before it even happens, or eventually things fall apart. Make goals and follow them together.  Listen to one another. I thought I had known all things already, but truths are not something we can hear once then tuck away in some back corner. They need to be reconsidered, repeated, and seen from different perspectives. Living truth is like holding hands with your wife; it has to be something that is relished every possible moment, and it will always bring you happiness no matter what life may bring. 

Thursday, January 27, 2011

The things I've lost

The things I've lost,
Forever gone but somehow found,

 In life renewed.

Triumphs left unwon,
But earned with joy.
Clouds hiding the rising sun,
That accent the colors of dusk.
A door that shuts,
Let's me enjoy a walk in the night sky.

As time goes by,
I see why not to watch the ground,
When life has knocked me down,
With head held high
I accept that some things remain unwon
but much of life's song
is left unsung.
The things that wait
shine bright with light unspent
the rising sun burns the sky
and leads to where I go.


These things I've lost,
Forever gone but somehow found.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Hope, or something like it.

It's been an interesting week. School and work are beating me up, I won't lie. Over all I enjoy life though. Things are pretty good. I watched Chitty Chitty Bang Bang for the first time in probably 14 years. I enjoyed it but I think that the people that made it must have been on drugs. Also the Child Catcher gave me the heebie-jeebies. I think I want to be a dad kind of like Caractacus Pots is in that movie. haha. Not that that is going to happen any time soon.

So everything is way good, but I won't lie. I have some serious heartache tonight. I'm going to be more straightforward than I normally am in these things.

I like this amazing girl. It's like she has me mesmerized. I really haven't been this twitterpated in as long as I can remember.

So the problem is that her heart was broken not too long ago. And now she says that she doesn't want a relationship. I think she's worried that I'll just end up hurting her later on. I can't even imagine doing that, but whatever.

Tonight I was sitting there with her and I really couldn't take it anymore. I looked over at her and straight-up asked her, "Do I have any sort of a chance with you?" haha, probably not the best way to go about such a thing, but whatever, I've always been the kind of guy to just say what I mean. She told me that she didn't want a relationship. Hearing, "No" is the worst feeling ever. I told her that I would wait, and I mean to. I don't know if it's hope or just a fool's wish to not let go, but I just don't give up easily.

Here's the worst part. I'm a big giant coward. Every time I see her I want to kiss her. But I don't.

So If you're reading this, know that you've stolen my heart. I wouldn't hurt you ever. I'll win you over somehow. I just hope you don't think this is creepy. I just had to get this out because it hurts.

Tomorrow when you see me, I'll be fine, I promise, but tonight I just wish I was brave enough to tell you to not be so dumb and just give me a chance.

So here's to hope, or whatever this is.

I want to go listen to these songs:

Come Around, by Sister Hazel
Hey Lady, by Thriving Ivory
Non Believer. by the Crash Kings
Killing Me Too, by Sister Hazel
My Skateboard, by the Aquabats
Sing Along, by the Blue Man Group Ft. Dave Matthews
The Space Between, by Dave Matthews
Friend is a Four-letter Word, by Cake
Sad Songs and Waltzes, by Cake
Girlshapedlovedrug by Gomez

There are others, but I can't think of them right now.

And then I'm going to play Mozart till I fall asleep.


Sorry this one is such a downer guys, I'll be better by tomorrow.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Opportunities Lost and Found

I was going to write a blog but I don't feel like it right now. Did you know that I used to write?
In high School my 12th grade English teacher actually tried to get me to publish some of my work. I never did of course, but the thought has always been in the back of my mind. Maybe I should publish a book. Don't get me wrong I'm no Walt Whitman or Robert Frost, but writing used to help me express the way I felt that I just couldn't do with the spoken word. We'll see what happens. I'll probably post some of the old stuff I did first and then once I actually have some decent stuff written I'll put it up. I don't even know if anybody actually reads this stuff anyway, haha. Well, maybe there's one or two of you out there.

This week was pretty good. I finally started school again. I almost thought it would never happen again. Life is so circular and yet everyday is filled with something new and completely unexpected.

Speaking of unexpected things, I find myself captivated with the music of the Beatles. I mean I've always enjoyed their music but for whatever reason I'm connecting with their music on a level that I never have before.

I want to hold your hand.

Anyway, it's really late and I have church tomorrow.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

You Can't Make Me Stop.

So here I am sitting here in Andrew's family's gigantic cabin and all I have to say is that this is amazing. I went snowboarding today and I took to it like a duck to water. Seriously, I'm in love. Granted it's only been one day, but that's kind of how I am. Once I know, I know and there's no turning back. The past couple of days have been so good for me. I've laughed so much with friends I haven't seen in a long time. Things are good.

But honestly, it is a bit of a problem that I realized that I love snowboarding so much. I won't be able to stop, when I was going down that hill, it's like everything was better. The stresses that I've been feeling went away and I was good. So where is the problem? The problem is that I have neither the time nor the money to get into a pass time like this. Oh well, I'll figure it out. I know that I can't stop though. I like this way too much to give it up and let a moment become a once in a life-time experience that passes away like snow-flake that melts in the sun.

I just don't give up on things that are important to me so easily.

But yeah, anyway, we went out and Andrew was showing me how to snowboard but all he taught me was how to go forward and turn a little bit. The first time I went down he didn't tell me how to slow down. So I get going and I just start shooting down the hill. So I'm flying past everybody else on the slope and then somebody in front of me crashed so I tried to turn out of the way but I didn't really slow down so I missed them but then I literally flipped in the air and and crashed. My sun glasses flew off my face and landed on my back. When a guy came up and was like, "Whoa! Buddy, are you ok?" I just started laughing super hard and said, "That was amazing!" and I popped back up and kept going. After that I had Andrew teach me how to carve and slow down and stuff and I was golden from then on.

Hopefully, I'll be able to go night boarding in a few hours.

Yesterday was pretty chill too, we hung out in the cabin all day, played games, told jokes and laughed pretty much non-stop. Murder in the Dark and Make that Sound were priceless.

There is something missing though. I can't place it, but it feels like there should be something different. I keep having dreams that I can't remember when I wake up, but the leave me with a desire for something more. That's life though.

Well, I don't have pictures to put in here just yet, maybe I will when I get back to SLC I'll be able to post them. For now though, I'll just keep watching the Sorcerer's Apprentice.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Where we all go

It's the beginning of a new year. A time to start over new, a time to leave behind the things we no longer wish to carry. I've always wondered though, Why is January 1 the first day of the year? There's no solar, lunar or other celestial importance of the day. I understand cultures that started their year on a solstice or equinox. As far as I know there is no historical reason to start the new year when we do. Oh well, I guess I should just take it to mean that we can start a new at any point. There's no need for some great sign to signal that it's time to start over. We can just pick a day and say, "This is the new first day."
It just so happens that we chose to do it in the middle of winter. I wish I had been there on they day that whatever council had met to decided that the new year should start in the middle of winter. I think I would have tried to push toward a date of more symbolic relevance. Oh well.
Another thing about new beginnings and New Year's Day in particular is that while it causes us to look forward, it also makes us look back, to consider all the things that we've done leading up to this point. It's hard to believe that one year ago today I was in Villa Esfuerzo, in the Dominican Republic. It was my second to last area in my mission.
So much has changed since then; I've changed so much in that time. And back then I thought that things would be so different than how they actually turned out. Life is strange like that.
I wonder how this year will turn out. What paths will I follow? Will there be anything big and exciting in my life this year, or will it pass only to be remembered as part of a larger piece of my life? The post-mission period.
I suppose I'm the only one that can determine that though. I am the captain of my future course and destiny.
I suppose that's why beginnings compel us to set goals, resolutions as it were. We all want to plot our own course. We know that things aren't going to work out exactly as we want them, but we set goals to help us do the best we can to stay on track.
I wish that I had time to put my goals here. To tell the world what I want to happen this year so that I can be held accountable for those goals, but unfortunately I have to leave for work in just a few minutes. I might add them on later though; we'll see.
I guess I'll just say that I'm glad that I have this chance to start anew.
It's said that we only have one chance in this life, and in part that's true, but we can always resolve to better starting at the point that we find ourselves, in the instant of that realization.
We all move forward, the past out of reach forever, unchangeable, but for that reason we all move forward, to write the map of our lives and show who we are by what we've done and where we've been.