The thing is that I let myself think about things a lot... sometimes way more than what is good for me.
I won't lie, in a lot of ways I consider it a strength. I don't normally act without considering all possible consequences and outcomes, and this sometimes protects me from getting into trouble. Or at least I know what my mischievousness may cause to happen. Like tray surfing... haha... The otherside is that I sometimes wonder if I freak myself out of going for things that could've been because I worry to much about what might be. Hmm...
I need to listen to something other than Jack Johnson, his music puts me into a reflective mood.
There, Apocalyptica, much better... well, maybe... Before I move on though, can I just say that Apocalyptica is awesome, they combine two really cool things: rock music and classical music. I love them both. I particularly like string quartets if done well. However I will say that my favorite composer Rachmaninoff does primarily piano music... and that's what I like of his music.
Now I'm gonna jump off of that tangent... Maybe I'l just jump right onto another.
Today was a really good day for me. I feel like I got a lot done. I was able to go to the school I hope to be attending next semester and take care of some registration issues... I have so little left to do. I finally feel like I'm actually starting to progress as a human being. Now that I finally have a real job and will be in school. Speaking of work, I also had a really good day at work. In 7 hours of work I had 6 sales and made about $70 in commission. Two of my sales representing $60 worth of that. Last week I was a little worried about my ability to do well at this job, today made me feel much better. I just hope I can keep it up. I think I can, though.
Last night I had a dream that made feel really... I don't know what it made me feel... Or rather I don't know how to describe in words what it made me feel. Nostalgic maybe? Mixed with a little concern and an odd desire to better myself... kind of The weird thing is I can't really remember the specifics of my dream. I think I was back in the Dominican Republic on my mission. People from different periods of my life were talking to me about what I had done to them or for them. Some said good things, others reminded me of how I had hurt them.
In the end I just had to remind myself that the past is gone. I can't change what is past. I can only change what I am in this instant, to be the best possible man I can be. There are somethings that have happened in my life that I just had to let go of or maybe even let go the memories of it... No that's not right, not the memories, let go of the feelings those memories cause me to have.
My mission president told me something my last day in my mission that took me a while to figure out and that I'm still trying to perfect. He told me not to miss the mission. He said I could remember it fondly, but not to miss something that I couldn't have anymore. He told me that he expected me to go on to do bigger and better things that what I had done in the mission. To enjoy my life in the present. Of course being the good missionary I was I said of course because I wanted to be obedient.
It's a whole lot easier said than done.
You can ask anybody in my family what I was like when I first got home. I was miserable. I didn't want to be home. I tried to move on, but it was always there in the back of mind. I loved it so much, but couldn't have that life anymore. I felt let down and abandoned. Obviously it wasn't true. I was surrounded by people who loved me, but I couldn't see that at first. I think that my refusal to see what I had at that moment but instead looked to what I couldn't have anymore hurt the people around me and kept me from being able to move on to the bigger and better things that I had been told I would have.
What I had missed was that I didn't realize that in order to grab hold of the new opportunities and happiness that waited for me, I had to let go of the past and trust that it would be ok. Instead I tried to hold onto both strands of my life as the they pulled away from each other and tore me apart.
I can't remember the exact moment I stopped being so dumb and saw the great things that were right in front of me, but I will say this. I don't feel sad and a desire to go back to "the good old days" when I have a dream about that part of my life. I feel happy about what I did. And I feel a burning desire to do better. I'm not sure what "better" is yet, but I think I'm getting there.
So Seth, if you start to feel down, remember that you are doing bigger and better things. You can't go back to the past, you can't undo or redo the past. Look at what is right in front of you and love every minute of it.
Ok I'm done being sappy or whatever. I'm starving. I need some food in my belly.
I was going to put some pictures in this blog, but I'm way too hungry. Maybe I will later. I don't know if I can edit published blogs or not... whatever.
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