Growing up my father would come home from working a 12 hour shift. Tired from a long day’s work, sometimes he would have to leave for a second job a few minutes later. Despite the stress of work, church callings and life in general, I remember specifically that he would usually come home with a smile. Many times he would have his hands behind his back and as walked in through the door, he would kiss my mother and then he would hand her a bouquet of flowers.
“What are these for?” Mom would ask with a smile, and without fail the reply would be, “Just because.” followed by a sheepish grin.
All my life I thought that “just-because-flowers,” regular date nights (even after 25 plus years of marriage), and holding hands as if for the first time were what all children watched their parents do. I never really understood just how blessed I was to have parents that truly love each other; that respected each other.
What I’ve seen is that anybody can have that type of relationship. It’s weird how in just a couple of hours at my bishop’s home could show that true joy in a lasting relationship is attainable by anybody who is willing to put in the effort.
Bishop and Sister Miller, like my parents, are obviously still in love with each other. But more than that, they respect each other and work as a single unit. Like everybody else, they’ve had they’re ups and downs, but are still heading down that road together hand in hand, both literally and metaphorically.
The thing is that once I realized that I needed this learning experience, they were the only logical choice. I needed an outside perspective, somebody different from my parents or grandparents, but it couldn’t be a couple that didn’t have the spiritual perspective that I had. I needed it to be applicable to my own life. They share the same values and beliefs that I have and so I could relate to the lessons taught. I was hoping to find something new and unique but still familiar enough that it had application in my own life.
When I first walked into there home, it was a little awkward. I had barely even spoken with my bishop or his wife before except to listen to the lessons they taught in church. I quickly realized however, that they were normal people. Within a few moments we were laughing and talking as if we had been friends for years.
At one point I asked Sis. Miller, as a bit of a joke if Bishop got the door for her and if there were other little things that he did for her she looked me with a sparkle in her eye told me,
“Always. [He] always held my hand and even now we still do. We always date, even now, every week. Which is huge when your married. A lot of people think, ‘Well you date and then you get married and that’s just it but the most important is once you get married that’s just the beginning.’ We know each other better now then we ever did when we were dating. And the only way that you can really do that and not grow apart as partners is to spend quality time together. You can do that when your house is crazy but you have to spend one on one alone time together, every week. Whether you go on a walk, go get ice cream or just time to really learn who your partner is. ”
I’ll be honest, I thought I was half way cracking a joke. I didn’t really understand how important little things are. Don’t get me wrong, my mother taught me well. I get the door, I always pay for dinner, and I always say thank you, but I didn’t realize that something like getting ice cream could be what holds a relationship together. How could it be so simple? It didn’t really makes sense at first. Life is complex and throws complex problems at you, but I guess the first step is to truly love the person who’s going to be with you for all of it. And to do that you have to do it hand in hand.
We’re told our entire lives that its by small and simple things that great things are accomplished. If you look at society as a whole a healthy lasting relationship is a huge thing. Truth be told, if people just went out for ice cream, held hands and talked more within their families, the world we live in would be completely different. Think of things that sadly are common-place in our society. Things like divorce, abuse, and general loss of trust in the family are all huge issues that tearing apart society. The idea of going on walks together as a way to fix these problem seems ridiculous, or at least to me they did. Stop to think about it though. What did our parents and grandparents know that we seem to be forgetting?
It was interesting to see how they worked together. Just in our brief moments together in the cozy den of their home, I could see how different they really were. It wasn’t fractured, divisive or disjointed, it was balance, a harmony in the song of their life. They worked together like a counterpoint melodies in a symphony, each one providing support and adding to the positive traits in the other.
“We’re actually a good mix because Michelle’s like ‘Let’s go. Ok let’s get it done. Let’s decide.’ I’m more like, ‘No, relax. we got to take time to figure this out.’ Neither’s wrong.” Bishop explained to me when asked about decision making, “she helps me be more motivated and I calm her down so we don’t jump to a decision. We kind of help each other.” I sat in wonder for a minute as Sister Miller explained the actual process of making a decision, about praying and fasting together and openly discussing ideas. They openly admitted their own weaknesses and were all the more grateful for the strengths the other provided.
Why is it, I thought, that more people don’t get this? Truth was never meant to be complex. Look at the world and you’ll see that we as a whole are missing the mark. I think it’s because we don’t want to accept the fact that sometimes we just have to swallow our pride and admit to ourselves that we have weaknesses. I won’t lie, this is hard for me. I don’t know if I can be as humble as my bishop was in admitting that that there are some times when my way of doing things is not always right. I see now something that has been in front of me my whole life. I am the type of person that will defend my opinions and decisions relentlessly. The way I reach conclusions is the best, or so I thought. In my bishop and his wife I realized that this, while it can be a strength, it can also be a weakness. Flexibility and the ability to listen to others and even accept their viewpoints is strength. My way is not always the best. Sometimes decisiveness and bold action is called for and sometimes careful consideration is what’s needed. What is always needed though is working in unison, talking openly and respecting the way others make decisions.
When talking about one the first big decisions they made together, they told me of preparing to get married and of how they stood firm together.
“When we were ready to get married we went to the stake president. I thought he would give us reflection but he gave us three things: pray, scriptures, and temple. If [we] did these three things [we] wouldn’t struggle as much,” Sister Miller explained, “Can it really be this simple? It really is that simple. I found it really interesting [that] as we’ve gone along and watched friends with struggles, they were the ones that weren’t doing those three things. You can see the pattern. It’s obedience to those things. When you grow up you think it’s complicated but it’s really not.”
I’d been looking for something huge and different, some grand truth about having a successful relationship. The things I’d seen my parents do, and some of the things that they did without me knowing at the time happened here in a home 450 miles away. It really was the simple things that kept them moving forward. The simple things like reading the scriptures will keep you from becoming “a jerk husband” or wife as Bishop put it. I don’t know why these things never really clicked in mind until that moment. The strange thing is that while I always knew these things my entire life, I didn’t fully comprehend them. I’m still not sure if I completely do. Its not one specific instance, its a lifetime worth of them that teaches the fullness of the truth we seek.
“There is no ah-ha moment,” He told me, “You know everything. You just have to do it. Very simple... As you practice you get better at it. Then they will fill your heart and your life and there will be no room for evil. Give no space to evil as you do all these things, then you become better and better at it. You become a better father, husband. [You are] not going to abuse [your] family if [you are] applying these things. It’s quite remarkable and simply lay out if we step up and do all of that. Will you be perfect? No!”
It all made so much sense to me and yet still felt like revelation. I didn’t feel like I was hearing anything new but still felt important. It was just like he told me, none of this was ground breaking new truth. However, hearing it again in a different place and a different part of my life made it really strike me as profound. I looked over into the hallway and saw a large painting of the Savior on the wall. I could hear kids playing in the other room. This felt like home. It felt like home down right down to the silly little dog asleep in Sister Miler’s lap. I could’ve been sitting there with my parents talking about them and asking for advice. I very much felt like I could’ve been in a fireside too. And yet at the same time I could feel myself growing. I could feel that the way I would see relationships, the way I would treat others would never be the same. I guess it just hit me again that truth is truth wherever you go. Love your wife. Love your husband. Lead, and love your children through example. Follow the Savior in the basics. This is how we learn to treat others and where happiness and success in all aspects of life come from.
In church, Bishop is always telling us that the Book of Mormon is and should be the guiding compass and map for all aspects of our lives, and as I was sitting there in their home. A scripture came to my mind that seemed to compliment everything I’d heard. “I will give unto the children of men line upon line, precept upon precept, here a little and there a little; and blessed are those who hearken unto my precepts,” The Lord said to Nephi regarding the acceptance of the gospel. For the first time in my life I felt that I could physically happening to me. And then I began to think of the doctrine of eternal love. Not all things are meant to be given at once, and part of the joy of life is experiencing it one moment at a time while learning and growing with those we love. We learn more of each other one day at a time. You can’t just get married and say, “We’re sealed in the temple, everything is going to be perfect from here on out!”
“We’re basically the same people we were but not really because we’ve grown up. We’ve matured more, and we’ve gone through life experiences. You know what I mean? And as you do that, you can either grow closer together as a couple or you can grow further apart.” Sister Miller explained to me.
This thought seemed to echo what was taught to Nephi millennia ago. You are the same person, but in order to make it work, you have to grow together, you have to pass through life’s trials one by one together. Each one of these little things will create a bond that will define you and helps you have something closer to the celestial relationships we all seek after.
“You either go forward, or you go backward,” Bishop said, “Things never stay the same.” You learn more about each other as time goes one until you can know what your spouse is going to say, or feel before it even happens, or eventually things fall apart. Make goals and follow them together. Listen to one another. I thought I had known all things already, but truths are not something we can hear once then tuck away in some back corner. They need to be reconsidered, repeated, and seen from different perspectives. Living truth is like holding hands with your wife; it has to be something that is relished every possible moment, and it will always bring you happiness no matter what life may bring.
